People of Britain – your MPs are going hungry

by workshyscrounger

Dear Hon. MPs

I was really worried to read Metro reports about your dinner allowance. It is simply unacceptable that you can claim only £15 and only after 7.30 pm. It is unnecessary cruelty to hard-working people like yourselves and I am sure it contravenes some laws. However, not all people are as understanding and to prevent civil unrest, I have a few suggestions for you.

Firstly, I think that the whole issue of a £15 limit for your dinner should be dropped for a while – the benefit cuts have just came to life and people’s salaries have been frozen for a while. The price of your one (taxpayer-funded) dinner could pay for someone’s food for the whole week.

I would also not compare yourselves to soldiers – emotions will be flying high. Let’s say that you do not work physically so you do not need as much food as they do. Some would say you don’t even work that hard but I would never contemplate that idea.

Your constituents usually get no dinner allowance when they work overtime – you might get a bit of pepperoni pizza even if you are vegetarian but only if your boss is in a really good mood and actually there to witness you slaving away at your desk (at his request). I would count my blessings for now.

As for choice, Mr Jones, you have the money to pay yourself for whatever and whenever you want to eat so why not try that? You have to spend your salary on something so it might just as well be a big lunch seeing as we pay for everything else.

In the interest of saving you money, here are some cut-price lunches that the precariat and strivers alike enjoy for lunch: value instant noodles, can of value soup with a slice of value bread, a tin of value (probably horse, might be a cat) meatballs with spaghetti. There’s also the faithful old sandwich (perhaps not egg mayo or tuna – you do sit quite close to each other in the chamber). You could also try a portion of your batch cooked lentil soup, meat-less stew or tomato pasta. Just ask your personal chef to make you some. Not only will it be healthy and cheap, you will also gain a few points in the eyes of the electorate.

I hope that helps. I urge you to cheer yourself up with the taxpayer-subsidised alcohol we provide at your convenience. I am really glad you spend long hours working to benefit all the people of our magnificent and fair country.

Yours sincerely

Workshy Scrounger

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